Communicate with compassion

Knowing how to communicate during a conflict is one of the most essential skills you can have as a teen and adult.

Having an uncomfortable conversation is never fun, but there are ways to make it easier and set yourself up for success. The key is to approach the talk constructively, with a positive attitude, and intending to listen and understand.

1. Understand the Problem

It’s essential to determine what is genuinely upsetting you first. That way, you don’t waste time arguing about a situation rather than the core issue. For example, it’s common to fight about chores with your parents when you are really upset or frustrated because it feels like they don’t understand how overwhelmed you are with school work.  

2. Shift Your Mental State

Scientific research shows good moods make us better problem-solvers.

Before your conversation, try doing something fun or light-hearted. Binge on funny animal videos or take a walk in your favorite park. You can also calm down by doing a mantra mudra such as Peace Begins with Me https://youtu.be/vQlSz0v0j4g

We are more open when we are in a good mood too.

3. Have Empathy

Reminding yourself to have empathy for the other person will help you approach them with less anger and resentment. Taking a moment to imagine things from their perspective will have a profound effect on the conversation.

If you are about to have a heated discussion with someone you generally dislike, I find it helps to picture them as someone you care about first. Ask yourself, how would I approach this situation with a close friend or family member? You will be amazed by how much this will help when it comes to your delivery.

4. Be Mindful

Being fully present and self-aware makes it easier to stay clear, hear the other person, and respond wisely. If you feel yourself becoming emotionally charged, pause and gather your thoughts before you continue.

5. Use non-confrontational Language

Being prepared with non-confrontational language to communicate your point is extremely important. I can’t stress this enough.

Research has shown that accusatory ‘you’ statements often lead to a defensive response. On the other hand, ‘I’ statements facilitate empathy and understanding.

I feel unheard, which makes me sad.

v/s

You aren’t listening to me, so you obviously don’t care.

Blaming the other person for the entire situation is unproductive and will rarely lead to conflict resolution.

7. Prepare to Listen

Many conflicts are simply a result of misunderstanding one another.

Plan to repeat back what you heard before you respond. This will show you are listening and allow for clarification. One of the single most effective skills we can learn for effective communication is to come from a place of genuine curiosity about the other person’s perspective with the goal of understanding their position.  Understanding leads to empathy and a clearer, more complete view of the conflict at hand.

8. Timing is Everything

Blind-siding people with your anger when it’s inappropriate or an inconvenient time rarely leads to a productive talk. Especially with your parents. It’s best to ask them when a good time would be to chat.

If you let your emotions take over and all your preparation goes out the window, give yourself a day to calm down. When you are ready, tell the person you didn’t show up how you would have liked to and ask for another opportunity. Most people are very forgiving if you show vulnerability and a genuine desire to work things out.

Always remember the goal is not to win but to heal and have a happier and healthier relationship.